The Union
by lunakatrina
Summary: Harry learns the terrible secret of being a wizard... and is totally confused about Voldemort. But he knows one thing: Voldemort sadistically killed his parents. ...Or did he? Gen, crack, is strangely relevent to actual politics...maybe, AU


I don't attempt to explain this one, just roll with it...special thanks to timydamonkey for various and sundry quotes as well as the idea, plotting out, betaing, etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and if you read this you will know and rejoice

Chapter 1: Harry Would Prefer To Be Mummified Over Listening To This Lecture

The first day of seventh year, all the students were gathered together in the Great Hall.

"What's all this about then?" Ron asked curiously.

Hermione shook her head and replied, "I honestly couldn't say, Ron. I've never read anything like this in _Hogwarts, a History_."

"It must have something to do with Voldemort, then," Harry concluded. The students around him flinched at hearing the name.

"You are quite correct, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore interrupted as he made his way into the room, his robes flying around him, causing him to look a bit like a demented but colorful bird of prey. "This does, in fact, have to do with Voldemort. Minerva, if you would be so kind as to begin."

Professor McGonagall stood up and fished a small device out of her pocket. She pointed it to the wall of the Great Hall and a screen lowered itself. She pressed another button and a picture of the pyramids appeared. "The pyramids," she explained needlessly, and then another picture popped up, "Stonehenge," another picture appeared, "the Lost City of Atlantis. All of these amazing structures were built using magic; they were all created by witches and wizards who put in countless hours, their blood, their sweat, and in some cases their life to build—"

"But that's not right at all," Draco Malfoy exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "They should get paid leave, vacation time, and worker's comp!"

He got several vehement agreements and just as many hisses and boos.

"Mr. Malfoy, do sit down!" McGonagall exclaimed, "Do let me continue! When these items were built—Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Witches and wizards built Atlantis?" Hermione asked.

"No, but we demolished it in one day. Now, back to what I was saying. In the past, the value of the average worker's life was not as important as it is now. Back then, their rights included - but were not limited to - being killed after completing a building to ensure secrecy of the spells, and also ensured objects of interest for Muggle tourists as they were mummified… However, now that magical populations have depleted to their current levels, workers are no longer killed after completing a great project."

There was utter silence before Ron chimed in with, "Which is an utter shame, because now they could spread building secrets from site to site and lead to a lowered variation in architecture styles."

"Ronald!" Hermione exclaimed in abject horror.

"You only say that because nobody in your family was ever brutally murdered for knowing the secret of decorative brick laying, you bloody bunch of designers!" Malfoy exclaimed.

"Designers?!" Ron yelled back in great offense. "We're color-coordinators! You hand-worker!"

At that moment, Harry could take no more and clasped his head with both hands and yelled, "_I'm so confused!_"

"If all of you will allow me to finish explaining…!" McGonagall yelled, and silence fell. "Thank you, now, as I was saying, throughout time magic has been used to create glorious structures that are renowned the world over. And, soon, all of you will be leaving school and will be asked to join our society in the construction and demolition of works in an attempt to beautify the whole world."

A Muggleborn Hufflepuff interrupted the awed silence, asking, "So…what exactly are you getting at?"

"The world is a great canvas," McGonagall replied, "and we must all pool our magic together to create one glorious work of art."

"Basically, _muggleborns_," Malfoy added, "everyone's a freakin' construction worker and you will be too, deal."

"No Weasley has ever sullied their hands with building supplies!"

"I need to get to the library immediately," Hermione muttered to herself.

Harry was happy to have one last lifeline in this world gone utterly, utterly mad, and said desperately, "Yes, Hermione, go quickly, read all you can, and then _explain it to me_!"

But Hermione was not allowed to leave; no one was allowed to leave. The presentation lasted two more hours and hosted several different speakers, each explaining how important it was that each of them carry out their part to help complete the next great work.

"So…" Hermione said slowly, when the presentation was nearly finished, "All of the years of history in the Wizarding World and all of the conflicts are as a result of building something?"

"Just so, Miss Granger," Dumbledore replied. "Although, you are mistaken; sometimes conflicts break out over the destruction of buildings. You may recall the 1945 battle of the wills between Grindewald and myself over the fact that his cottage was beginning to resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It was simply unacceptable that he let his own home go in such manner; it had to be destroyed."

Harry, by this point, was reduced to muttering incoherently and rocking back and forth.

"Fascinating." Hermione breathed. "So this would mean that none of the Dark Lords would be evil. This makes me wonder what on earth You-Know-Who has done."

"Oh, they are evil, Miss Granger," McGonagall replied. "In fact, You-Know-Who is the most evil of all the Dark Lords throughout history."

"Why, what did he do, lay a brick wrong? Have an ugly house?"

"No," Dumbledore replied cryptically. "Far worse, though both of those offenses would be horrible enough to cause any worker to be killed on the site. Voldemort has done something no one has ever before dreamed of doing… he _created a worker's union_."

"Well, someone had to stand up for the injustices done to families who have only done their best to build great works the world over!"

"Mr. Malfoy, I have had just about enough of you!"

"You'll only hear more!" Malfoy yelled. "I've joined the union!" Gasps sounded from around the room. "I'll only work for more than a minimum wage, healthcare, and paid leave!"

"_You horrible child_!"

"Nothing will stop true justice!" Malfoy yelled.

"I knew it!" Ron yelled, "I told you, Harry, I told you he joined Voldemort!"

"Ron," Harry muttered, his face covered with his hands, "Shut up, please, my brain feels like it's melting and slipping out of my ears. You aren't helping."

"Oh, Harry," Hermione exclaimed. "Do you know what this reminds me of?"

"An insane asylum?"

"No, the Cold War!" Hermione exclaimed. "I must read up on it; it should provide all sorts of helpful insight to this situation!"

"Mr. Malfoy, I'm afraid I cannot allow you to be in this school, poisoning the other children's minds — I'm afraid I must suspend you until you realize the utter foolishness you've fallen prey to," Dumbledore said sadly.

"Foolishness?" Malfoy demanded, "Paid maternity leave? Money for being hurt on the job? It sounds like practicality!"

Ron whispered to Neville, "Maternity leave? What? Is he a girl?"

"Leave the school, Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall commanded. "You spread only lies!"

"I'd be glad to leave this uneven monstrosity!"

"Hogwarts is not uneven!"

"I've taken a level to these floors; it's off by .01 degrees!"

"You lie!"

"I do not!"


End file.
